This is what happened

I'm not sure I would be telling this story if things had turned out any other way. Here is what happened...

Yesterday, I was at work, really busy, and having a lot to do. I emailed a friend about our dinner plans, she emailed me back saying that we were still on, and where and when we were meeting. Then she added a note to her email that said: "THE BAR EXAM RESULTS ARE OUT!"

My heart started beating. I had lost the sheet with my number on it, and I could not remember the number, even though I had written it down a million times during the exam. Then I started looking at the numbers, and it came back to me, the many times I wrote it down, all of a sudden I had this clear picture of the number. IT WAS NOT THERE!

I did not pass the bar exam. I was SHOCKED, to say the least. Yet I was calm. A young associate walked by my office and walked in to joke around about something, and as soon as he saw my face he asked me what was the matter. I told him that I had not passed the bar exam. He was shocked, and tried really hard to console me. But he did say a few times: "dude, that sucks!"

I told another friend at work that I did not pass, and he knew that I had lost my sheet. He asked me how sure I was that I knew the number, and I told him 95% sure. He kept on telling me that there is no way that I would not have passed. I studied hard and did not do anything but study for two months, and there was just no way. I agreed, and I told him that this was the worst day of my life, yet I was not crying for some reason.

Then came the worst part, telling my mentor who would relay the message to the rest of the firm. And I almost broke down when talking to him. He told me not to say anything until I'm 100% sure that I did not pass. And he told me that it was not the end of the world. But I said that I was not happy that I would have to go through that experience again in July. My summer would suck, my birthday would suck, my life as we know it would suck, more so than before.

I went back to my office and felt really nauseous. I made a few phone calls telling very few people. I decided not to tell my parents, because I did not want to ruin their Easter. I swallowed my pride, hung my head down, and went home and from around 10 pm on Friday, until 7 pm on Saturday, when I was not sleeping, I was bawling by myself in my apartment. I was bawling in the shower. I was bawling in bed and on the couch. I had worked so hard, and I felt so unrewarded. It was the most horrible feeling ever. I have never failed at anything. I used to be able to ace classes without studying, and now, to work so hard, to spend so many nights and days studying and depriving myself of the goodness of everything out there, just so I would fail? It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I have never cried so much in my life. But I had to go on, I had to keep on smiling and keep on being happy, because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have to swallow the tears and keep a happy face, and pretend that I am OK with taking the BAR exam again in July. I started convincing myself that it is OK that of my group of friends from law school, I was the only one who didn't pass. But sadly, I wasn't the dumbest one. Now that hurt like a bitch.

So about an hour ago, I started randomly crying again, and I decided to start cleaning to forget about it. I started with my desk that is still covered with all my Bar review books, and it saddened me that I had to put them aside until I had to start studying from them again. I could not yet get rid of them. It hurt. Then I noticed a little pink sheet. It wasn't ANY pink sheet, it was THE pink sheet. It was the sheet that had my number on it. I grabbed it, and as I unfolded it, my heart was pounding at 1000 beats a minute, and it took what seemed like the longest 10 seconds to spot the number. I did a double take, I rubbed my eyes, I took my glasses off, I put them back on... the number I had remembered was wrong. I had the wrong number. OH GOD, what to do. I ran to my computer, and went to the website where the results were posted, my heart was now beating at 2000 beats a minute, and I scrolled down, and I stopped breathing altogether, and there it was... there was the number, surrounded by many other numbers, but I didn't care about the rest, I just wanted to see it, MY NUMBER, it was there. I passed the bar exam...