"Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Happy travels

I did some math not too long ago, and I figured that from December 1, 2007 through December 1, 2008 I will have spent around $2,500 on air fare, including one heavily discounted trip, and a cheap air fare on Southwest. That is a lot of traveling. No wonder the ongoing joke these days is "so, how do you make time for work in between trips?" Or "professional traveler." You see, until 2 years ago I was known as the "professional student." But that's what it's all about, I was a student for a long time, and now, it's time to make it up! So what's the opposite of student? A TRAVELER!

The last couple of trips though, my patience with airlines, airports, and air travelers was seriously tested. The first of the trips was a short one, just a little short hop to another city in the Midwest. Not too bad, no delays, no annoying seat neighbors, and a flight that is less than an hour long. PERFECT. On the way back, a free Bloody Mary made everything just fine and dandy. My friend and I were flirting with this very cute guy next to us. We thought it was too good to be true, and then when he commented about how cute one of Hillary's suits was, I took a big gulp of my Bloody Mary and mouthed "GAY" to my friend.

Next came a trip two weeks later, and luckily, a storm was looming around the city that I was flying into. What that really meant was a delay that is longer than the flight itself, then boarding the plane and sitting on the runway for another hour with no air circulation. That's right around when I start cursing at no one in particular and scaring the people around me. We finally take off, and I could not wait for the flight attendant to come around with the drinks, so I can get my Bloody Mary, except I drank the mix, then chased it with the vodka. Just when I thought we were arriving, the captain gets on the PA system and says the weather is so bad, we have to hold in a circling pattern and circle about 3 or 4 times. So I started counting the number of time we circled and when we got to 6 I started to physically shake, but I had to contain myself, because no one wants to see a Middle Eastern go ape shit in a plane. Instead, I started watching the lightening that was originating from a cloud not too far away from the plane, or as us scientist call it the LARGE METAL object near a large amount of highly charged particles. This is how I was going to die.

But I made it, just long enough to make it to the next trip. I was supposed to be on a direct flight to the West Coast, and the weather was perfect, but as we all know by now, it is just too good to be true. Apparently, the flight was overbooked and I got placed on a flight to a different city, and then a small connecting flight to my destination. I was about to rip the airline representative another one, when she offered me a $300 voucher, so I snagged it and walked away. On my first flight, I sat next to a 13 year old and an old man. The 13 year old thought we should become friends and she should tell me about her life. I just knew it right then and there that there is indeed a God and he hates me. This was my punishment for never going to church or praying. So I decided to make things better and I asked the flight attendant politely if she had tonic water. When she said "yes" I asked her for one and TWO vodkas. Fuck it, time to drink up bitches. The 13 year old was horrified and the old man totally judged me, and I could not care less. I downed those bitches like they were my last meal. I had a good buzz going, but the chatter box next to me completely killed my buzz with her non stop talk about things that are only interesting to 13 year olds. God was really hating me.

That flight landed safely, and we boarded the smaller connecting flight, which was the smallest plane I have ever been on. It was one of those 3 seats per row planes, more like the short bus of planes. As soon as it took of, I knew that this was how I was going to die. A bird was going to fly by and sneeze on it sending it down. All the fat people on board were only going to make that end come sooner. All the fat ass food chompers were going to be the end of me. But somehow, by some magical intervention, I made it, in one piece. As soon as I landed I just knew that once I got back home, it would be a while before I travel again. That is not for another month!


The Details: said...

I am laughing so hard at "because no one wants to see a Middle Eastern go ape shit in a plane" - and THAT is one of the many reasons I adore you!

KULA said...

You adore me because I have the ability to control my anger while on a plane? It is quite endearing! :)